Unarmed in the Battle of Wits

J. Kevin Tumlinson

War. It's a serious business, but sometimes you just have to wonder what some of these people are thinking. With the stress building as our country prepares for a possible war with Iraq, I find myself anxiously reading over every news story, watching every second of coverage. And then it occurs to me… these people are morons.

I'm the first to admit that the United States isn't perfect. We make a lot of mistakes. We've backed a few lame ponies in our time. But one thing you can count on with the U.S. is that we're survivors. We never really, truly lose-because to us even death can be a victory. I think that's the fundamental thing that enemies of this country just don't get. You can kill Americans by the thousands, and we're going to see that as just one more reason to keep going, keep growing, keep fighting back. One more reason to kick your butt.

And we, unlike most of our enemies, have at least some common sense.

The use of suicide bombs as a war strategy seems completely ridiculous to me. Let's think about it for a moment-you are a small country with a chip on its shoulder. I am a much larger country with huge quantities of resources and the backing of many other large countries with huge quantities of resources. You decide to entice all of your people into blowing themselves up VOUNTARILY, just to kill a few of my citizens? Two things are going to happen.

One, you are going to tick me and my buddies off and cause some major retaliation that is likely going to be more costly to you than it is to me. Two, you are slowly going to take care of my problem for me by offing yourself.

It is a horrible tragedy when any human life is lost, even that of our enemies. Americans don't want to see people die. We object to any useless death and that includes idiots who strap a bomb to themselves in order to take out a few innocents. Innocents, by the way, who had nothing to do with the beef these people have with America. We don't want to see anyone get hurt. So, at some point, we'll decide to take action.

I don't want a war. No one does. I also don't want to go to bed every night wondering if I should have taped up my windows and doors to keep out the deadly gas. I don't want people to feel that the only way they can live in peace is if I and everyone I know and love is dead. But not wanting it is a far cry from not supporting it. So we'll go in there, blow them off the map, and because we are Americans we'll help them rebuild. We did it in Germany and Afghanistan. We'll do it again. It's what we do. We respect life.

I make no secret of the fact that I hate stupidity. It's my Darth Vader, my Lex Luthor, my Doctor No. The war on stupidity, that's the one I fight every day as a teacher and a writer. So, when I read the stories about Iraq hiding weapons or Bin Laden's "advice" to our enemies or the rash of suicide bombings, I see it all as just more proof of what I've already come to believe.

They're morons.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is a writer and a schoolteacher living in Lake Jackson, TX. Your move, bin Laden. Ya flippin' moron.