TV Romance
J. Kevin Tumlinson

I love TV. Yes, that's right. I've hidden it for years, but now I think it's finally the right time to come out on this. It was a tough decision, but I think it was the right one. I love TV and TV loves me!

And now that I've confessed my undying love, I think it's time TV and I took the next logical step. I'm thinking of a small ceremony, with just a few family and friends. I'll invite my brother to be the best man. TV can have the DVD player as her Maid of Honor. I think that my computer can perform the ceremony. Of course, we may have to get married in Massachusetts . If gays can marry there, why can't we?

Now I know that some of you have closed minds, and that a marriage between me and my TV might seem unacceptable to you. But we're in love! And love makes everything right! In fact, it feels so right that I think everyone should marry their TV! I think I'll get on the news and demand that marrying your TV be accepted as natural and acceptable. I think I may even find some scientists who'll back me up on my claim that loving your TV is a genetic predisposition. I was born to love my TV – it's built into my genes! What's so unnatural about a relationship between a man and his electronic entertainment appliance if they're in love?

Of course children may be a problem. I'm willing to admit that. But just because we have incompatible hardware and can't reproduce no matter how hard we try doesn't mean that being in love with your TV is unnatural. Obviously God meant for us to use artificial insemination or adoption as an alternative to typical child birthing methods.

I for one just can't say enough good things about the decision of Massachusetts to allow gay marriages. Look what it has opened the door to in our country! Now, there's nothing to stand in our way! No matter who or what you are passionate about, now you can live happily ever after together! Whether you're a man loving a man, a woman loving a woman, a man loving his TV or a girl and her poodle there's no reason to feel ashamed. The precedent has been set, the gates are wide open, it's our town, baby!

People will say that it's not normal, but what do they know? Just because they have thousands of years of historical and biological evidence that productive relationships always involve a man and a woman doesn't mean that it's normal, right? Just because a union between me and my TV can't possibly ever produce a child and continue the propagation of my genes doesn't mean that our marriage is unnatural, does it? Just because common sense says that if EVERYONE decided to marry their TV all of humanity would be in jeopardy of extinction doesn't mean that there's anything WRONG with it.

No, my friends, my TV romance is perfectly natural. We are in love. We were born to be in love, because darn it that's just the way I want it. And just because I receive a searing jolt of electricity every time I try to get intimate with my TV doesn't mean that it spurns my affections.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is the Publisher and Editor for ViewOnline Magazine at www.viewonline.com . He is a Houston Baptist University graduate with degrees in English and Communications. You can reach him by e-mail at kevin@viewonline.com . He needs ointment.