Spectrum of Stupidity
J. Kevin Tumlinson

I have spent a lifetime researching stupidity. I've observed thousands of hours of “bad judgment” in a wide array of venues. I dare say that I am an expert on the behaviors and habits of the common moron. As a result of this copious research, I've developed a system of categorization that I apply to my observations.

There are actually two categories of stupidity. Category One is the type of stupidity you're born with. It is commonly known by the term “Natural Stupidity.” You can't help this; it's just genetics or something. Everyone has it in varying degrees. In fact, there is a spectrum of Natural Stupidity, and everyone falls into it somewhere. If you are on the far right of the spectrum, you're relatively safe from making egregious errors on a daily basis. If you're on the far left, however, you probably use your t-shirt as a pot-holder while still wearing it, and think “Glitter” should have won an Oscar for best performance by a pop star.

Natural Stupidity often takes the form of “bad judgment.” Everyone experiences this. You lock your keys in your car. You forget to zip your fly before leaving the restroom. You mistake the meaning of the word “condiments” while going through a fast-food drive-through and ask the attendant, “Do you really sell those here?”

Sometimes, Natural Stupidity is actually the result of an inadequate or faulty education, and is thus curable. However, no matter how much education one has, he or she will still fall victim to some latent tendency for Natural Stupidity at some point.

I can forgive Category One Stupidity most of the time. We all fall victim to it. My own Category One tendency, of late, is to misspell words like “stupidity” and “the” over and over again (I'm constantly typing “stupidty” and “teh”), but I'm learning to cope.

That brings us to Category Two. This second, more nefarious category of stupidity is the one that seems the most enigmatic and strange because it implies that even with education, even “knowing better,” the imbecile still performs the act.

Known by the term “Voluntary Stupidity,” it is the process by which an individual determines that though an action is patently stupid and will result in negative consequences, they will do it anyway. The most handily available example of this might be the MTV “reality based” program “Jackass.” Johnny Knoxville is a guy making a LIVING through the use of Voluntary Stupidity, putting himself in mortal jeopardy on a weekly basis just to be on TV.

But hey, Johnny Knoxville isn't jeopardizing anyone else, usually. So his antics are amusing to watch, if you happen to be the type of person who likes watching stupid people hurt themselves (I usually am). The real villains in Category Two are the people who endanger everyone around them – drunk drivers, people hopped up on drugs, and the idiots who think that a three-year-old is perfectly safe riding in their lap with no seatbelt.

What's to be done about these people? I can't think of anything that wouldn't backlash on the whole of society. What it comes down to is that you can't protect people from themselves – they have 24/7 access to their victims. My friend David has a saying – “You can't regulate stupidity.” Amen, brother. But the government tires its level best.

Currently, here in Texas , there is a large push for the enforcement of seatbelt laws. If you're seen without one, you get fined. I can't think of a bigger, daily waste of tax-payer dollars. If Mr. Iam A. Moron wants to buzz around I-10 with no seatbelt, the only person he's endangering is himself. I say that's acceptable. Believe me, the world can move on with one less moron on the streets.

Why not focus instead on the writing, implementation and enforcement of seatbelt laws regarding children? That's a much more worthy use of taxpayer's money and law enforcement's time. That's the SPIRIT of the law, isn't it? To protect the innocent from harm? If a parent is stupid enough to let their five-year-old bounce around in the back seat without a seatbelt, then the fines should be heavy. But if that same parent feels they're perfectly safe in their automobile and there's no need for they, themselves to wear a seatbelt then who are the lawmakers to argue? You can't regulate stupidity unless you're willing to regulate free will.

You can't escape stupidity. It's built into the fundamental structure of the universe. Even my cat has errors of unfortunate judgment every now and then (I've seen her chin-check the corner of a desk after misjudging the distance of a jump – ouch!). But I think one of the purposes of life is to actively avoid stupid behavior. It's an individual task, and we can't be expected to succeed. But we can, at the very least, limit our stupidity to Category One, and avoid Category Two all together (unless it's fun).

Of course, if there were no more Voluntary Stupidity to comment on, I might be out of a job.