Spam I Am
J. Kevin Tumlinson

I get 750-plus junk e-mails a day. It's startling, I know, but true. It's one of the hazards of doing the things I do (my e-mail address gets published in hundreds of places online, so junk mail is just a fact of my life). As if the sheer volume of these things wasn't enough, I'm finding more and more that the picture they paint of me isn't a very good one.

According to my junk mail, I'm a terrible lover. I have “inadequate equipment.” My friends and former girlfriends are talking about me behind my back, laughing at my lack of longevity. Even though I'm not married, my wife AND my husband are considering leaving me because of my weak performance in the bedroom. And to top it all off, my BREASTS need to be enlarged! Now, I knew about the rest, but the breast thing… that stings.

Lucky for me, there is plenty of Herbal Viagra (or Hebral Viagar, or Halbra Vaigar or Hberel Vgaiara ) just waiting for my credit card number. There are patches for enlarging… various body parts. There are pills to aid in my performance, enhancement and enjoyment. Apparently, there are even online courses I can take, to supplement my inadequate knowledge in certain areas.

It's a good thing I have a strong ego, otherwise this sort of thing might start to wear me down. I mean, how often can you read “no one wants to tell you that you're lousy in bed” before you start to believe it yourself?

Junk e-mail (also called Spam, of course) is a plague, but it's also sort of an interesting study in Internet psychology. Where other forms of advertising try to build your ego (You'll be popular if you drink this soft drink!), junk e-mail seems to try to tear you down (You are a loser. Buy this product and/or you'll still be a loser).

There's also an interesting psychological REACTION to junk mail. I have friends who would love nothing more than to see purveyors of Spam turning slowly over a roaring fire, spitted from end to end with a long, rusty skewer. I can't really say that I blame them. Some of these guys are family men, and it is very disturbing to think that you can't allow your kid to check e-mail because there might be a clearly pornographic message advertising some disgusting, scam product. Or what about these e-mails sent under the guise of some young woman claiming, “I'm sorry we got cut off last night when your wife came in. Here's the web site I told you about where I'm posing nude?” That'll go over well if your wife or your kid sees it.

I'd love to make a suggestion right here about what should be done, but I can't. The truth is there's just no way to regulate this kind of thing. The people sending this stuff have figured out the system, they can hide themselves, they know that the expense and time it takes to track them down makes any action against them impractical.

So really, what's needed is a new way to communicate online. I think the next “big thing,” like the Internet and the Web before it, will be a new way to get written, audio and visual communication from point “A” to point “B” in a secure and Spam-free manner. The person who invents that is going to be able to cash in. Instant millions.

Hmmm…. Forget I said anything.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is the Editor for ViewOnline Magazine at www.viewonline.com . He is a Houston Baptist University graduate with degrees in English and Communications. You can reach him by e-mail at kevin@viewonline.com . He would like to purchase this Hberel Vgaiara.