Reality Check

J. Kevin Tumlinson

I am a self-proclaimed T.V. junkie, but even I have my limits. I don't watch Wrestling, for example. Jerry Springer never held a fascination for me. I can't stand beauty pageants. But nothing, and I mean nothing, unsettles me more than "Reality" T.V.

Maybe I'm alone in this, but I watch T.V. to ESCAPE reality. After a tough day at work or classes or, heck, even on the golf course the last thing I want is to come home and watch a group of people complain about each other in some video confessional. No thanks; I'll watch re-runs of "Barney Miller."

To me, reality programming is the laziest form of exploitative television. The scenario is almost unerringly the same. Get a group of strangers together, keep cameras on them 24/7, throw odd situations at them and broadcast the results. No script, no rehearsal, no money wasted on "actors." The amazing part is that so many people tune in to these things each week.

What sort of lifestyle is this promoting? Well, let's take a look!

"Survivor: Thailand." No list of reality shows would be complete without this recurring nightmare. At least the first season had people who were more than super-models and pin-ups. Here's a show that teaches us that the reality of being stranded in a remote area is that you must endure a number of challenges, such as "holding your breath under water" and "eating things." Just don't ask anyone to start a fire.

"Man Versus Beast: Who is Faster, Stronger… and Smarter?" I don't know about the first two, but I can definitely answer the last one.

"The Bachelorette." This sequel to "The Bachelor" pits a bunch of guys against each other in competition for a woman who had to resort to going on T.V. to get a date.

"High School Reunion." Classmates from the 1992 graduating class of Oak Park and River Forest High School in Illinois are reunited for a two-week stay on the exotic island of Maui where they have all sorts of grudge matches and contests and confrontations. Big deal. My class reunion had punch.

"Meet Joe Millionaire." A low-income construction worker is given the opportunity to woo 20 gorgeous, single women who all think he's worth $50 million. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that he and the producers are lying to these women or that the girls are actually so shallow as to chase after this guy for his money!

"The Surreal Life." A group of yesterday's superstars, including Emanuel Lewis of "Webster" fame, a former Playmate of the year and Corey Feldman, are all living together in a house. That's pretty much it. The previews have Feldman making statements that sound like bad movie lines and generally spewing stupidity. This might be the only one I'd care to watch, since I think there's probably very little "Reality" going on here. Plus it's fun to watch Corey Feldman make an idiot of himself. And hey, Webster!

Perhaps the most annoying aspect of reality television is that it multiples so quickly. One show seems to breed dozens of clones, and each of those gets a spin-off. It's sort of like Mickey Mouse and that broom from "Fantasia." But where will it end? There are very few reality frontiers left to explore. The Osbournes have seen to that. But does that mean that this virus has almost run its course or that there's something even bigger on the way?

The saddest part is, these shows are still on the air because people are watching them. Hey, maybe the next reality show will be about a bunch of people watching reality shows! Now THAT is good T.V. Look for it on Fox this Fall.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is a writer and a schoolteacher living in Lake Jackson, TX. The cameras are everywhere. They're everywhere!