A little support
J. Kevin Tumlinson

I found myself sitting in front of my friend Todd's computer, thinking to myself, “I don't spend enough time talking to barely educated individuals from overseas who only speak English as a second language.” As luck would have it, though, I had been handed the opportunity to do just that! Oh what a merciful Universe, where a man's desires can be answered with just the pressing of a few touchtone keys on a telephone!

Within moments I had reached Dell technical support, and was speaking with someone who would only identify himself as “Blayde.” That's Blayde with a “y.” What creative people these tech support folk are! Blayde was exactly what the doctor had ordered. A soft spoken, barely intelligible young man who relied heavily on the database before him to tell him that my problem could not be solved.

You just don't get frustration like that from local sources… it has to be outsourced.

I admit that what I wanted to do wasn't exactly easy. Without getting too technical, I'll just say that I wanted to separate two hard drives that were working in tandem. It's called an “array,” and in this case it meant that both hard drives were mirrored to be identical. What I wanted to do was take them out of the array and make them work individually. It's not really that hard to do, but the trick is keeping all of your data in tact so you don't have to spend hours re-installing everything. For this, I needed a little guidance.

And a little is all I got. Blayde dutifully typed in a question in his database, and just as dutifully reported that he had no idea what I was talking about. He then told me that I'd have to speak with “Advanced Technical Support,” and transferred me.

After waiting for “Advanced Technical Support” to come on the line for about five minutes, I heard a series of clicks and then the message, “If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.”

I'm no saint. I cursed. Then I redialed. This time I spoke with a thick-accented man who went by the dubious name of “Joe.” I hear Joe is a popular name in Pakistan .

After once again explaining my situation and my goal, and giving account information that I had just typed into the phone while on hold, and explaining that I had been transferred to “Advanced Technical Support” before being cut off, Joe determined that I did indeed need to be transferred to “Advanced Technical Support.” I asked for their direct phone number, just in case there was a repeat of the disconnect incident. Joe happily obliged with the number AND an extension! I felt safe and warm.

After about five minutes on hold, I heard a series of clicks and then the message, “If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.”

Ok, this time I had them. I had the phone number for “Advanced Technical Support.” Not only that, but I had their extension! I dialed.

“We're sorry, but that extension is not in our system. Thank you for calling.” I heard a series of clicks, and then the message, “If you'd like to make a call…”

Again, I'm no saint. And I have a large vocabulary, peppered with phrases picked up from masses of acquaintances who work in your finer construction sites and bars across the nation. I profaned the air of my friend's home as I once again dialed the main technical support number.

I'll spare you the redundant recounting of what happened, over and over, for the next two hours. Suffice to say, I'm not so sure there IS an “Advanced Technical Support.” No matter who I spoke with or what number I dialed or what extension I was given, it always ended with, “If you'd like to make a call…”

And now I feel fulfilled and satisfied! I no longer have my cravings for abject misery and conniption inducing phone confrontations. That appetite, I'm happy to say, has been temporarily sated! Thanks to Dell's wonderful technical support, and moreover the Don Quixote-like quest for “Advanced Technical Support” that they allowed me to experience, I no longer have a technical problem because I no longer CARE what happens to the computer!

Now THAT is technical support.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is the Editor for ViewOnline Magazine at www.viewonline.com . He is a Houston Baptist University graduate with degrees in English and Communications. You can reach him by e-mail at kevin@viewonline.com . He is the computer user from La Mancha .