Junk Mail

J. Kevin Tumlinson

You'd have to be a brain dead carp drying in the heat of the Sahara Desert on a Tuesday in July to not know what I'm talking about. JUNK E-MAIL!

We all get it. I sympathize. It has become such a fact of our every day lives that some of us have developed certain routines to deal with it. Many people simply ignore it, immediately deleting anything that comes from someone they don't know. Others have more sophisticated techniques, such as e-mail rules or special programs that eliminate unwanted e-mail based on preset criteria. Then there are those like myself who look at each one, click on the "Remove" links, respond with the "Remove" e-mails, even visit the sites themselves just to find a way to turn the blasted things off.

I'm fighting a losing battle.

The friend you don't know

Let's deal first with those who just simply erase the e-mails. It's probably the best plan, truthfully. One of the dominating theories surrounding junk e-mail is that if you reply to them, even to have yourself removed from their list, you are simply verifying that your e-mail is an active account. Add to that the fact that sometimes, simply by opening one of these digital intrusions, you are allowing the e-mail to install some sort of software on your computer. Usually this leads to targeted pop-up ads. For the record, pop-up ads are an invention of Satan intended to cause mankind's inevitable insanity and self-destruction.

The problem is that sometimes you get e-mail from someone you don't know but, if the message were read, you'd WANT to know. I suppose it's up to you to decide if the risk is worthwhile.

They fight the good fight

Now on to the sophisticates, the soldiers fighting junk e-mail on the technological front. I applaud you. You are brave and worthy souls. Your defeat, however, is inevitable. Until the public at large has access to a vast artificial intelligence that can scan e-mail for you, it's almost completely useless to use electronic means to filter out the bad stuff. You might as well try to dam a river with a wad of bubble gum. The people who send these things are onto you. They know what you're using, and they know how to defeat it. Haven't you noticed? You have some sort of super spam-guard software but a few pieces of e-mail detritus slip through. Now you're in a constant battle to keep upgrading to the most recent software. Software companies know this, in fact they depend on it, and so it is in their best interest if these e-mail sending scum bags know all the tricks and backdoors.

You're not just fighting a battle against the Spam guys, you're fighting everybody. What, did you think that the only people making money off of this stuff were they guys sending you e-mail about herbal Viagra?

Hopless in Cyberspace

Then there's me. I admit it freely, my approach doesn't work any better than the others. On the other hand, when I click on those "Remove" links there are enough legitimate ones out there to at least have an impact. What frustrates me are those that have an e-mail address. You've seen them - "Send an e-mail with the word 'Remove' in the subject line and you will be taken off of our mailing list." Pure booey.

Not only will you NOT be taken off of a mailing list, your hopeful little e-mail won't even go through. That's because these companies don't maintain that address. They don't give one lick about privacy policies or new mandates by Congress. They care about money. They're hoping you'll go to the site in a frantic search for some way to get off of the mailing list. Going to their site means a click through for them, which means money from their advertisers, which means they'll be around for a very, very long time.

The solution to man's woes

Getting rid of junk e-mail is like not getting pregnant. The only 100% guarantee is abstinence. The only way to escape is to not have an e-mail address at all. So what do we do? I say have a little fun.

Go to their site, give them their click through, but find every single e-mail address you can. Then, the next time you get a junk e-mail, be sure to enter the e-mail addresses you have collected. Heck, go nuts and actively go out looking for services to subscribe to. If the company does cancel the e-mail address that's receiving all the solicitations, they will still have to deal with all the junk that's cluttering their mail servers. Plus there's the inconvenience of changing e-mail and getting it to the appropriate people.

Guerilla warfare is the only recourse. Be creative. And if you think of something cool to do, e-mail it to me. You can use the Contact Us button up top. Heck, I'll be bold. Send your comments to me directly at kevin@viewonline.com. I'm sure I can spot your e-mail while I'm wading through the millions of junk messages I'll get.

J. Kevin Tumlinson is a writer and a schoolteacher living in Lake Jackson, TX. By reading this, you are now subscribed to his newsletter.