Christmas Letter - 2003
J. Kevin Tumlinson

I thought I'd start a new Christmas tradition. Bear with me.

Dear Santa,

Once again, I am writing my yearly petition that you please overlook the “naughty” things I did all year. It's been a whole year since the last time I wrote, and I'm happy to say that I've done my best to be a good boy. I stopped picking fights with bureaucrats and government agencies, and I stopped writing those harassing letters to the Dixie Chicks. And that thing with Oprah Winfrey? That was really just a big mistake. I promise, we're pals now.

I got your reply letter last week. And yes, I do plan on apologizing to the nice people at Clonaid. You're right, cloning Ross Perot would not have been funny (ok, maybe a little funny). And no, I guess I don't think “Kevin thinks Clonaid is cool and refreshing” was the only way to end that particular column.

I think you're probably right about my “Guerilla warfare” idea for dealing with Spammers. Sorry about that, too. On an unrelated issue, could you please bring me some sort of explosive that can be sent via e-mail? It's for… New Year's Eve. Big party.

Sorry about the whole tirade I went on about insurance and how it's evil and all. I agree with you that there are many wonderful people who work for insurance companies. For Christmas, maybe you can bring them jobs that are not life-draining, soul blemishing strains on society? Oops! There I go again. Hey, bring them puppies!

You may be right about the Recording Industry Association of America . I'm sure they're a bunch of swell guys. Hey, maybe for Christmas, in honor of the RIAA's struggle against music piracy, you could give free CDs to everyone in the world! That way, no one is tempted to download illegal copies of music and everyone is happy! I mean, the RIAA wouldn't make any money from the deal, but they say it's not about the money anyway, right? Principles are free!

And finally, I apologize for all the comments I made about people who smoke marijuana and use drugs illegally. Everyone wants to feel good. And who am I to criticize people, just because they're using their brains like cigarette filters?

In closing, I think I've been a relatively good boy this year, and what I'd really like is a new laptop. Oh, and Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men, and joy to the world. I'd like to see everyone come together during this time of celebration, and remember what this season is all about. The birth of Jesus Christ. So, you know, I apologize in advance for offending all of the groups that want to make Christmas a purely secular holiday and take religion out of every aspect of life. I mean, maybe America has enjoyed freedom from oppression long enough!

Did I just lose my laptop?

Merry Christmas, everyone! God bless, from the Tumlinson house to yours!

J. Kevin Tumlinson is the Editor for ViewOnline Magazine at www.viewonline.com . He is a Houston Baptist University graduate with degrees in English and Communications. You can reach him by e-mail at kevin@viewonline.com . He looks more like Santa with every Christmas meal.