PET Project

J. Kevin Tumlinson

I make a meager wage. I'm willing to live with that, because I know what I do is important to the future of the country, even the world. I know that teaching benefits everyone, in the long run. So what if it doesn't get accolades? So what if I have friends WITHOUT college degrees that are making twice- even three-times what I make? I know that I'm doing something worthwhile, and so that makes a difference.

And I still hold on to the hope that someday Mr. President will see fit to give teachers a much deserved pay increase. The downside, though, would be the taxes. They'd have to go up, since taxes pay my salary. Which means that I'd get my raise, then have to pay more of my income into taxes so that the state could afford my raise. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.

They say that taxes and death are both inevitable. The irony of comparing taxes to the Grim Reaper is not wasted on me. I've often pictured IRS agents as carrying around little scythes, riding pale horses, etc. And April looms over me like a vision of my own doom.

The people that founded this country had a pretty good reason to do it. They wanted to get out of an income tax. If I remember right, it was something in the neighborhood of 5%. Think about that for a second. Thirteen colonies against the whole of England, all over 5% of their wages. Last time I looked, something like 30% of my check was going to Uncle Sam to aid in the construction of $100,000 toilet seats and $500,000 screwdrivers.

Now there's some discussion about whether those making higher wages should be paying a higher tax than us low or average wage earners. Does that sound fair to anyone? Let's just say that somewhere along the way I finally convince the world that teachers need to make $150K per year (please send thanks and adoration to the e-mail address below). "Congratulations, Mr. Tumlinson! You just graduated into a higher tax bracket! Your taxes will now be 50% of your income!"

I just can't win.

So here's my modest proposal (Jonathan Swift, eat your heart out). I know taxes are inevitable. We can't run the country without them. But look at how MANY taxes we pay. Income tax, property tax, sales tax… and I'm sure there are taxes I've never even heard of. So what I propose is one flat tax. The "Pay for Everything Tax," or "PET" for short.

Do away with sales tax, lump it in with PET! Get rid of property taxes, it's all part of PET! No more income tax, it's a PET world after all! I call this plan the "PET Project."

The benefits would be far reaching. Our paychecks would be easier to understand, since there would be just one line describing the PET deduction, and this would improve morale by making us happier. Products would appear to be cheaper, since there would be no sales tax tacked on. And each year, as April approached, we'd all gather on the 15th and celebrate the freedom that PET has brought us!

I hope that each of you will join me in the PET Project. Write to me with your pledges of support! The only thing we will have to consider is whether or not the White House has a "No PETs" policy.\

J. Kevin Tumlinson is a writer and a schoolteacher living in Lake Jackson, TX. He has paid his PET deposit.